Stage five: Confrontation

Despite making adjustments and celebrating some small victories, you may feel like you’re simply imitating the locals without really having integrated into the culture. You do certain things without necessarily understanding or believing in them… It’s easier to blend in, but you don’t feel like your true self when doing so.

Sometimes you still feel lost and vulnerable, and you continue to question certain things. You might become impatient and fatigued with trying. You can become confrontational towards your WHV country again, even if you now have a solid support network. You also become confrontational with yourself, as emotions from previous phases return. You realise culture shock never really goes away.

This phase can be particularly difficult, especially if you’ve been riding the highs of the honeymoon and surface-level adjustment phases. Reliving more negative emotions can be mistakenly perceived as failure, like you didn’t try enough or you never really managed to adjust.

However, remember that adjusting to a new culture takes a lot of time, and it is normal to fluctuate between positive and negative emotions. Even expats who have lived abroad for many years go through periods of negative feelings! This period is defined by ups and downs, victories and failures, and plenty of questioning.

Possible emotions you might experience during the confrontational phase

Frustration
Discouragement
Anxiety
Sadness
Irritation
Anger
Doubt

Examples

“I’ll never understand why I have to say ‘Sweet as’ to people in New Zealand. The local expressions don’t make any sense.”

“The doctor looked at me strangely because I shook his hand as I entered the office. I guess I wasn’t meant to shake his hand.”

“I don’t like celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve. It’s much better at home, when we celebrate on Christmas Day.”

What you can do to manage your emotions when you feel confrontational

As in the previous phases, the important thing here is to persevere and not get discouraged. You’re not going to be fluent in social codes in a few months. Misunderstandings don’t mean that you are failing in your bicultural experience. On the contrary, it is important to make mistakes to be able to learn from them.

You can ask your local friends about your cultural difficulties. They might be able to explain the origin or the purpose behind a certain saying or tradition, for example. If you understand the reasons for a certain cultural difference, you might not look upon it with as much frustration.

Read Why is everything more stimulating when you live abroad? to learn more about the unique perspective on life (for good or for bad) we have as working holiday makers.